I’ve always been an ‘all or nothing’ kind of person. That has often worked in my favour, but occasionally it’s worked against me. Balance is something I’ve been blind to for far too long.
When I took on my first allotment plot, I had no idea where it would take me. It gave me a new lease of life, but at the same time I left the old one behind.
Confidence is a funny thing. Twelve years ago I had everything – all the trappings of wealth that came with being focused on my professional life. Confidence, and success, breeds confidence and success. The moment you lose either, the cards begin to fall around you. It can seem impossible to get back to where you were. When you are successful, in whatever it is you’re doing, it rubs off across all aspects of your life. You feel good about yourself, you feel confident – you feel able to handle setbacks. Lose that confidence and every knock-back sends you further down the hole.
My allotment journey has, on reflection, been both good and bad for me. I’ve immensely enjoyed the fresh air and connection with nature. But, I took it too far. I went in a direction that I thought was right for me. On reflection, I was overly-optimistic and the further down the path I went, the more my confidence was lost and the more I slipped into a cycle of trying to compensate.
I’ve been juggling too many plates, and dropping them all in the process. All my energy has gone into something that, realistically, was never going to pay off without cost.
Much change is on the horizon, regardless of where life takes me. But wherever it goes, I need to rediscover my confidence. I need to be a provider. I need to focus my attention on what I can do, not just what I thought I wanted to do.
So, this will be my last post here. I’m cutting the cord that has put pressure on me to achieve something I’m not capable of.
I still have my plot, and for the time being, I have no plans to give it up completely. I may reduce the size, I may not. For now, I’m going to take a break from it to decide on my next step. More than anything else, I want to take away the pressure I’ve put myself under to make it ‘perfect’. My energy is needed elsewhere.
I want to enjoy it for what it is, not what I want it to be.
To those that have engaged with me, here and elsewhere – thank you.